A week ago today my family buried my mom. I seem to have settled into a strange sort of feeling!numbness. I'm not sure how to explain it...life is going on, a week has gone by...but I feel somehow as if my world stopped the moment she died. Obviously, it didn't.
I still wake up in the morning expecting her to be watching tv in her chair. I reach for my phone to give her a call before I go to bed. When will these torturous reflexes stop? I deleted her cell number from my phone yesterday. Any time I'd accidentally hit the number three my lungs gave out.
I'm doing well...like, I am alive and breathing and making it through each day. I even laugh and smile and enjoy this extra time with my dad and my friends. I know I'm experiencing more grace in this time than I've ever experienced before. But somehow...there's an ache that's dulling to my senses that's never far. It weighs on my heart like thick, breath-taking humidity.
This is what life without Mom is like. I know eventually this ache will pass...or least diminish. And until that day my God and my friends are showing me I'm never alone. So I feel pleasantly blessed. Yet foolishly alone and broken. All at once.
In brighter news, my friends Donovan and Candace got me hooked on Heroes yesterday. Wonderfully distracting. Bones Season 4 premieres tomorrow night and we're having a "Bones Party" at my house that my dad is extremely excited about; Dad + me + 5or6 of my girl friends = hilarity.
I can't see the stars anymore living here
Lets go to the hills where the outlines are clear
Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long
I fell through the cracks at the end of our street
Lets go to the beach, get the sand through our feet
Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long
Bring on the wonder
We got it all wrong
We pushed you down deep in our souls for too long
I don't have the time for a drink from the cup
Let's rest for a while 'til our souls catch us up
Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long
Bring on the wonder
We got it all wrong
We pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on
Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long
"Bring on the Wonder" - Susan Enan
Comments (6)
I was so sorry to hear about your loss, dear friend. God holds you close during these times, doesn't He? It is a good thing because I can't imagine going through grief without Him.
We love you, dear one.
Its been over 2 years for me and I still feel the same way as you described above. It gets better after a while but then some days are just unbearable. Im not so sure that it completely goes away.
After dad passed away, I couldnt delete his number from my phone. I Just couldnt. Once I did, I started to get these random unavailble numbers calling my phone. I was so dad-sick, that I thought it was him calling me from Heaven. Oh how I wish that were true. I wanted to hear his voice one last time... yet, I couldnt even make myself answer the phone.
I have so much regret. I still feel so much pain after it all and Im not sure that I want it to get better because if it does, than maybe I'll forget about him completely and thats not something I want to do.
@bobdavie -
Thanks Robin - Misty told me you both tried your darndest to come. That means more to me than you'll ever know. And to Jeri...I can't possibly imagine going through this without Him. It's almost suffocating WITH Him...without Him I'd be totally lost.I know He's here and even in the moments I feel He's far, it's then that I feel the gentlest pressure of grace in my heart and I know He's got me. So while lungs struggle and the ache aches...He's here.
I love you both.
I just wanted to say that I love you. I wish more than anything that I could be there and hug you (or bite you which ever works at the time). But I am thankful to know that you are having a chance to be with friends who can do the same. Call me anytime. Still hoping to see you in Nov. :)
Hi Mary
I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and praying God's grace over you. I am glad you have people to support you. Love to you
Let me know if I can do anything for you too
Love from me to you
Annetta